We have all done it to some extent, haven’t we? We’ve gone back to exes after a breakup because we are blinded by rose-colored glasses and conveniently forget the ugly portions of our relationship that led to its demise. But when you get those same feelings of regret after a divorce, simply going back and giving it another go isn’t quite as simple. It isn’t very smart, either.

Coping with remorse after a divorce is natural. After publicly tying the knot in front of your friends and family and spending years building a life together, you never expected your marriage to end in divorce. You may find yourself feeling guilty about low blows you made to your ex-spouse amid the separation, or you might begin to tell yourself that you are cheating your children out of a proper upbringing. You aren’t alone. Here are some tips for dealing with the remorse:

Revisit your marriage.

As painful as this may sound, it can be quite therapeutic. It is rare that only one factor played a role in deciding to divorce; it is usually various things that formed and built up over time. Once you make a list of pros and cons, it’s likely that you will quickly remember your unhappiness in your marriage.

Accept it and forgive yourself.

The divorce has already been finalized, and now it’s time to take your life back into your own hands. Accept that the relationship has ended, and don’t waste your time mulling it over and wondering what you could have done to save your marriage. If you believe that you were the party responsible for the downfall of the union, take the time to grieve and learn from your mistakes but don’t life your life in grief and guilt.

Understand who has been affected.

Perhaps your mother is disappointed in your decision to divorce, or your children can’t understand why you and your spouse made the choice. Understand that as much as you love and care for these important people in your life, they do not dictate your marriage or your happiness. Your mother will eventually grow to understand your decision, and your home will be more joyous when you are happier being single, rather than miserable with your ex.

Rebuild.

Instead of fearing a life without your ex-spouse, take every opportunity to make new friends, take up new hobbies, exercise, rekindle relationships with your children and reevaluate what you want your life to look like.